Everything That is Wrong With Hogwart's Houses
by Deatheaters Rock My Boat
Summary: FLUFF! HUMOR! This is a story about what a seriously AU Hermione thinks about hogwarts. Making fun of anything and everything in Hogwarts. We wrote this when we were really hyper! Enjoy it and don't flame it!


Everything That Is Wrong With School Houses

What the hell is wrong with Gryffindor? I mean Harry is so not hot, and Ron is freaking annoying plus he's a red head. Then look at Neville he is so freaking fat, and Dean and Seamus are gay together. So no guys are available from Gryffindor, but then again there is always Colin. I mean seriously dude with that camera and everything.

Plus in Gryffindor they all virgins and I would know. They probably haven't even done some snogging, and that is so not hot. Now, about the GIRLS.

The girls are such airheads. You know like hot airheads; NOT THAT KIND OF HOT, the heat kind, not the sex kind. You know like when you say it is a hot day outside. Back on topic they are all blonds, except me. Ya, I am Hermione and I should have gotten my own house because I am so much better than these idiots.

About McGonagall, I mean seriously is she still a virgin cause I swear she has never had sex, maybe if she did she wouldn't be so prudish. Wait, she and Snape OMFG! NO, she and Dumbledore are about the same age.

On the topic of Dumbledore, what is his problem, he is old. Why hasn't he died yet? Wait, I know it is because he doesn't have an heir. He should seriously consider McGonagall; she would make such a great mother having all the tormenting practice on us.

I would seriously only date a Gryffindor, if I was pregnant with his child, and I would never be because Gryffindors are prudes.

What the hell is wrong with Slytherin? I mean they are so freakish; all they ever do is have sex. I mean they are so probably really bad at it. I bet the guys need a target to even know where to stick there things in the girls. Draco is hot, but I swear he is gayer than gay, and I do not mean overly happy. Then there are the other pricks, the ones that over dress themselves in black, can they even get their freak on?

First let's think about this, Snakes are so not endowed, so I doubt Slytherin guys are, or for that matter the girls. I bet the girls are stuffing themselves and being whores for the Malfoy gang.

Then there are the teachers, I mean who does Snape think he is fooling, he is so sexually deprived. I offered to help ease his pain once and he said, "I prefer those who scream Professor." I mean seriously how does he know that I scream during sex. He must have been getting friendly with Ron, or for that matter Harry, or he could have done more than get friendly, gag gag.

The girls in Slytherin, hmmm…… how do you say F.A.K.E.? Fucking Ass Kissing Enemies. No duh. Plus they so fuck themselves in the shower, and even I do not do that. They must be total sex deprived snakes in heat to think that. Wait do snakes even go into heat?

I forgot to mention how snarky they are; I mean seriously who does Snape think he is fooling when he says, "Please all of you refrain from doing something that would cause you to go to hell. I simply don't want to have to torture you for the rest of eternity as well. In addition, kindly refrain from shouting the words, "Oh, God!" out loud. First, Snape doesn't want to have to hear you. Secondly, he says 'Professor' works just as well."

Everyone just thinks he is evil, but at least I have some feeling for this guy, a feeling of lust. Dark, mysterious, and evil wins girls over 99.9 of the time, and the .1 is just those times when you are drunk. Plus greasy gits are sexy, sexy as hell.

Seriously, I would only date a Slytherin if they tied me up, held a gun to my head, and said that I would suddenly become pregnant WITH THEIR CHILD, and then I would ask them if it was possible that they relieve themselves of a PMSing bitch, which would be me.

What the hell is wrong with Hufflepuffs? I mean seriously I don't think they ever get past the 'I like you' stage on their dates. Wait, do they even know how to kiss, maybe I need to give them some lessons. I don't think I know any Hufflepuffs that even are hot. Maybe Cedric, wait is it possible to have sex with some one who is dead. I am not sure.

Snape has told me plenty of times to go to hell, and each time I retorted that that would only mean he'd be around me for the rest of eternity.

I think that Dumbledore only hired Snape because he thought Snape was hot.

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Ok, I know moaning myrtles dead and all, and I do feel bad for her, but she seriously needs to get a life!

The Hufflepuffs are such idiots, they think that other houses like them, but, they are sadly mistaken. They are stupid, and ugly. And if they had sex with other people, they would only be abusing their kids by making them ugly and stupid. People should be able to know that just by looking at their head of house. Seriously.

On the subject of Professor Sprout, why is she so fat? You'd think after running from killer plants she'd have lost some of that weight, but, no. She, like the other Hufflepuffs, is ugly. And, is it me, or does she teach the most stupid subject? Right after care of magical creatures, of course.

While I'm talking about Hagrid, why is he so obsessed with wild beasts? Well, I know he is one but… god, I remember Norbert, he looked just like Hagrid, I swear! You'd think Hagrid laid that egg.

Now, the Ravenclaws are such know-it-alls, I mean, yeah people say that about me, but look, at least I can have sexual activity, I don't think the Ravenclaws realize its possible to reproduce, they probably think they are so intelligent, they created themselves. And that is just plain gross.

Now, I have a saying to live by when people mock me 'when life gives you lemons, throw them at the idiots and hope it hits them in the eye and blinds them, permanently.' And if you are too stupid to decipher that saying, you are an idiot too. And I'm sure that means most of you.


End file.
